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Some cool shady jokes

Some cool shady jokes

MBA vs BE - really good -- old but great to read

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain..... .

A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute..
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".

** *"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE" *

Indo-Pak Nuclear war

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile,

Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.
This was their scenario.... ......... ....

But if there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan .

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India . They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.
Indian technology is highly advanced.
In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.
But they need permission from the Government of India .
They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.
The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.
Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support... withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote,
a caretaker government is installed.
The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.
A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.

In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA .

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.
This time all the parties agree.
Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity" , "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision.
Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised.
In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan.
Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.
A missile (smuggled from USA ) is pressed into service.

Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination:Russia.
Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
The missile hits the target and creates havoc.
Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.
Thus India never gets to launch the missile.

Pakistan never gets it right.

And

*** we live happily ever after ***

End Of The World

End Of The World

Trash Beach (13 Pictures)

It is the most popular beach in Vladivostok, Russia.
Trashy... more pix after a break

Cute Baby Pictures-

CUTE BABIES

Better Be A Lion Here

Hello...read this..So true..

In a poor zoo of India , a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India .

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering bananas to me?'

The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ... Did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!


Moral of Story: Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!!!!

5 - MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSONS

5 - MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story

     If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

*********

    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story

     If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

*********

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

    The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

    Puff!  She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

    Puff! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story

     Always let your boss have the first say.

*********

    Lesson 4:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

    The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story

     To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

*********

    Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story

     BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

*********

    Lesson 6:

    A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of this story

     (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

     (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

     (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

*********

Ok boys ....... lets study marketing ....

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing..."

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2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich." "Marry him." -That's Advertising..."

---

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing..."

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4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations..."

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5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition..."

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6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback..."

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7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap..."

---

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share..."

---

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets..."

Bush And Vajpayeeji In Bar

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Chinese and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!! No one would worry about the 14 million Chinese!"

Cute Little Rascals

Cute Little Rascals